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VIDA!

2011-12-29T16:37:00.000-08:00

quiero agarrar la pluma y escribir ya mi destino en piedra, para asi saber mi siguiente paso. quiero definir ya mi transito por esta vida terrenal, determinarlo.

I wanna carve out my destiny, piece by piece, inch by inch, by the force of my own pulse and hand, shape it and give it its form and purpose.

I want to design it, create it, write it.

Quiero escribirlo en el papel de la existencia con tinta indeleble, y no volver atras. Nunca volver a preguntar.

Quiero dar respuestas a mis propias preguntas, encontrarlas y continuar. '

Quiero justificar mi existencia mas alla de una combinacion circunstancial.

Necesito nacer de nuevo, y no de mis cenizas.

A la memoria de mi adorada Abuela

2011-10-24T22:12:00.000-07:00

I met her at the assisted living residence, I did not know then what I know now; but isn't that the case throughout?

I was struck by her radiance in spirit and strength in character, and by her beauty; conquering the effect of the strolling wheelchair and the tank of oxygen she was carrying on her side.

She was dressed in green, particularly beautiful eyes. I will not forget you Alberta, and your spirit. I could not help but notice how resolved she was and affluent in her giving to us, her guests and her audience. We were sharing the Baha'i faith with one of her dearly loved friends, who was joyfully sharing our reception with her.

The deepness to which she undertook the task at hand left me enchanted for a while. I remember vividly a metaphor of swords and life; and I left The Seven Valleys of Baha'u'llah with her that night.

Days later I returned, and this time she shared with me her memories, from an old diary, and her recent visits from special types of birds... it appeared she knew in detail about them; I shared with her an Indian tale about a bird who despised every male and ended up alone... we stared at the window for a while...

I will not share her love life, but I will say her true love was her daughter, and I think we knew that that is what was connecting us. I too have a true love...

She also knew about Genealogy, and when I think of my ancestors, I remember the words of Alberta; and I think how much she studied her own lineage and knew its spiritual importance. She had native American blood... she was a brave, strong, courageous woman. May God keep her in His bounteous mercy and grace.

I think of my dearly beloved Grandmother, and I think about what she taught me... and I think about who she was and the spirit she left in our hearts. Dear Grandmother, I love you... you were a second mother to me, since I was very young. I saw your pictures today, when you were with my grandfather. I know you watch after us, from the stars. I know God has your spirit in His hand. I pray for your memory and I pray for all of us, your family, that we may make you proud. Many things I did not know about you, but you would always sing and that always brought joy to my heart... until today. I see you, in my mind, singing in your kitchen, overlooking through the window your grandsons and daughters... joyful and consecrated to your family and to the memory of my grandfather. How I wish I could be like you! Your memory is precious to me... Abuelita, como la vida sigue y nosotros continuamos el camino lo mejor que podemos... hay veces que erro el camino, muchas veces... pero continuo intentandolo y te prometo que quiero hacer a tu memoria una ofrenda digna.

Aun no se lo que es, pero se que tu espiritu en el cielo, de la mano de nuestro Dios guiara mis pasos. Gracias por lo que fuiste para mi.

Te amo,
tu nieta Tatiana.

Understanding life

2011-09-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

I played fair, and I lost.

...but, looking back; was it fair for me too?

Hay veces que es necesario poner el dedo en la llaga, y calar hasta los huesos; hundir el colmillo y no dejar ir el hueso.

Me cree ilusiones: acerca de mi, acerca de ti; acerca de todos. Y perdi, me puse en el ultimo peldano. Como reclamar lo que es mio?; lo que deje ir como agua entre los dedos. Pinte, sin yo saberlo, una vida que no era la mia, y puse a todos (menos a mi) de protagonista. Me deje en bancarrota, detras de bambalinas, inexistente como un cerillo casi calcinado.

Jugue y perdi, porque regale mi victoria; me converti en la espectadora de mi propia vida. Aprendi a juzgarme, mas no a levantarme y seguir luchando. Aprendi a compadecerme, y a detestar mi piel; y no me ame. Supuse que si lograba que alguien me quisiera, bastaria. Quise que lo que no crei tener me diera mi valia perdida, y no supe apreciar lo que se me dio a manos llenas. Desesperada me perdi, erre el rumbo, me escondi de mi misma y una oscuridad se aprovecho de mi inteligencia. Sucumbi a ella y me volvi ignorante, despota. Envidiosa y deprimida. No me sentia comoda en mi propia piel. Solo fanfarroneria.

Muerta por dentro un dia me reconoci, alze la vista al sol y su luz brillaba en mi piel. Una brisa suave y calida traspaso mis poros, y por fin respire mi vida. Alze la vista, y me vi, por primera vez en veintisiete anos; completa, estable, llena de potencial, suenos y ganas que un dia crei perdidos. La vida comienza aqui, me dije, la vida no es del color que te la pintaste. Las derrotas no tuvieron sentido, porque no tenia ningun sentido tu vida. No aprendiste de tus errores, porque no deseabas continuar el camino. Despreciaste el amor porque no te amabas. No agradeciste las bendiciones en tu vida porque no te gustaba ser quien eres. Ahora te das cuenta de quien eres, y te das cuenta del amor que te rodea. Los suenos que puedes lograr, la inteligencia opacada por la frialdad y la complacencia, ahora aflora en un corazon lleno de paz. Ahora me quiero dar a la vida a manos llenas, con el corazon y la cabeza bien puestos y con toda mi fe en Dios, nuestro padre celestial, que me ha guiado en este camino y, de no ser por su bondad, estaria derrotada por mis errores. Gracias a su bondad y misericordia, me salvaguardo de mi libertina ignorancia. Soy, porque tu quieres que sea. Existo, porque tu me has brindado vida. Gracias por mi vida. Gracias por haberme mandado a mi hija, Dios padre, gracias por el amor que derrochas sobre mi y sobre mis hermanos.

Te amo.

Is there any Remover of difficulties save God? Say: Praised be God! He is God! All are His servants, and all abide by His bidding!

The Báb

A MUCHA HONRA!

2011-06-28T23:53:00.000-07:00

waterfall reflections

2011-06-19T07:41:00.001-07:00

Voy a dejar de ser dura conmigo misma. Muchos de los errores que cometo son una primera experiencia. La vida hay que saber vivirla, dijo mi abuela. Y la vida la sabes vivir si aprendes a vivirla, y aprendes solo si la vives. Pienso que uno se vuelve duro por los golpes que ha recibido; te endureces y te vuelves amargo por dentro. No vives el momento. No vives enteramente.

Quiero ser vulnerable una vez mas, amar irrestringidamente; y no juzgarme si no logro hacerlo y si lo hago de mas. Debo aprender a perdonarme. Si las personas han sido duras conmigo, aprendere a perdonarlas al instante y no culparme. Y lo mas importante, sere lo mejor de mi a cada instante y con todas las personas, y ante nuestro Dios.

"Oh son of man, humble thyself before Me, that I may graciously visit thee."

coco mademoiselle

2011-06-08T21:07:00.001-07:00

OUBLIE! laisse tomber

2011-03-06T03:34:00.001-08:00

Today live a dignified life. Today you must stop running away. Turn around and give that extra push needed to regain direction. Don't despair. Be exhilarated. Experience your life back in your veins, your limbs, all the layers of your skin; they are all connected to your mind. You must not fear, you must be courageous. Stop and realize you'll spend your life running away. There will be no better chance to own up to the moment you are living. Now. Everything will be ok if you try. Just try. You must get yourself out of this nowhere, out into a better place. You've gone astray, running away. Face the challenge. Take the challenge. You have a guardian, an angel; she will be with you in every step, every moment. You will realize your life is at your very grasp. Start the engine and utilize the momentum; soon you will see: your life is yours to live.

POKITO A POKO

2011-02-10T18:37:00.001-08:00

POCO A POQUITO

2011-02-07T17:37:00.000-08:00

What gives you certainty that life is what you think of it?

What exists between the truth and our ignorance?

I am so full of what I know, yet so empty of truth.

Frantic we shall live inside our minds, figuring it out day after day, until one glorious day the light shall illumine our faces in the mirror and we'll realize the form of an unknown character: and we'll stand before our own eyes, deceived and betrayed by the self.

...throw me a bucket of cold water...

... I need to pause to observe my life,

I need silence to know myself,

I need not to under-stand;

may I be granted faith to believe in God.

I have yet to achieve totality, in my psyche. I am fighting the darkness within through the clutching of hands with my shadow self; by the efforts of a mirrored battle, in an un-balancing act of the forces that govern me to transmute into an uncovered totality of myself.

Essaying rage, part i

2011-01-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Maddened emotions take over my thoughts; it all appears tinted with pain, in pale itchy gray. Anxiously, I succumb to its delirious prelude of anguish, paranoia, fear and yes, rage. Powerless, I become an echo of delusion; a shady fading extravaganza of... a lavish and ostentouos form of human being. Excessive in its impulses and affairs, this new state takes me to a low expression of myself. Entitled to pursue the least graceful of qualities; this new command makes a puppet of me. "Do I have a saying in all of this?", I ask myself from a far away distance, as in a dream. "I may", I respond; although too late, for the dormant beast has awakaned unimagined animosities that leave me astray. It is unfortunately, not acute; but rather perpetual and slowly do I perceive it. "Is this me?" I may have asked, altough I can't remember anymore. Judgemental of myself I have become, a preference over the fragility gained from its effects... "when did I ever decide this?" I vainly do ask... but there is no answer. I have boldly shown the above forth in this humbling essay, to command it from here on. I do not like the aftertaste of it: mediocre, diffident, coy.

Mi destino

2010-12-10T22:02:00.001-08:00

Cual es la prueba que me forjara cual espada de artesania bajo fuego? El destino que no existe sino mas alla de mi propia comodidad? Las batallas desatadas por afan de triunfo y obvia oposicion por poco placentera pero noble posicion? La corona de laureles encontrara su amado aposento sobre mi cabeza, estrechando mis heridas, mis lagrimas y mi victoria. Victoria sobre carne, almibar de paz y vaticinio de fortuna eterna. A los clamores de los himnos de su soberania se encontraran abatidos los humildes, y derrotados los que afanaron la ajena victoria. Bendicion infinita sera su gracia sobre los justos; y los sabios probaran el caliz de esa paz emancipada, encontrada. A las puertas de su reino El te dara la mano para esgrimir tu busqueda. Su mano tomar tu rogaras, y a las puertas de Su reino habras encontrado la fortuna eterna, mostrada te sera, de belleza imperecedera.

NEW DIMENSIONS

2010-09-30T17:40:00.001-07:00

Listen to the voice of the rain, in the poem written by Whitman a lot of minutes ago. What does it say to you? Are you listening? What are you listening to in your mind? Can you resonate with your reality? Does your reality resonate in you? You are loved. You are utterly loved. Do not harm yourself. In any way. Let go of any pain. Do not let it belong in your heart. Let it go and feel yourself free falling into a different existence. Do not be afraid of the unknown for it is our natural state: to exist without pain. Declare happiness in your life. You deserve to live happy. Happiness is possible, right here and right now. Foresee, meditate upon this new peace. Do you see wrath falling apart, crashing down to ashes, as a chimera evaporating, an illusion fading away... it is your life: you have won it back. BREATHE IT IN. Breath in your life back, for you exhaled too many breathes without your life being in your lungs. Love. Love yourself. Love your life. Love humanity. Love God. My God. This is for you the most Noble and the Most Wise. Thank you for taking me into your wings. Thank you for protecting me in Thy Path. For declaring me in the acknowledgment of your Manifestations.

"No God is there but thee, the All-knowing, the All-Wise."
Baha'u'llah

2009-01-12T20:58:00.000-08:00

A ti

2008-10-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

It's fine, It's all right.. It's not meant to be; I leave you in peace.This pain comes from deep within. I leave you in peace. I welcome you in my heart with no complexities, with integrity and naively for I do not hold you in my mind. My vanity is afflicted, though I obey just one king. How can I be both strong and bold, and ill and weak? Where did this sickness come from? My savior, esperanza mia, castillo mio... me encuentro perdida. Perdi el camino y me averguenzo ante tu grandeza y tu luz. Eres el gran Misericordioso que aun entre las sombras me tomas de la mano y me guias hacia tu luz.

ECLIPSE LUNAR

2008-02-20T21:33:00.000-08:00

Photo credit: Jewel Samad/AFP/Getty Images

No soy experta en la materia, pero neta esta foto la tomaron echados en un cesped panza arriba o la voltearon en photo shop, porque desde mi ventana vi que la sombra de la tierra empezo a moverse hacia la izquierda, o la luz comenzo a verse desde la derecha. Este era casi el final del eclipse.

Fue hermoso. La luna se vistio de sombra color rojo, casi nebulosa. Una luna llena privada de la luz del sol, con nuestro planeta arrojandole su sombra. Aun asi, la super luz de la gran estrella traspaso a nuestro planeta y todo lo que habita en ella. Por algunos momentos la tierra hubiera quedado en completa oscuridad; a no ser por las estrellas o a no ser por las metropolis - devora hombres- que se mantienen demasiado ocupadas y encendidas para darse cuenta.

Hay una realidad alla fuera, en un silencio sepulcral. Hoyos negros y distancias insondables, que nos dan la perspectiva para no tomarnos tan en serio. Vi tres astros en accion desde mi "heated" depa, ojala que la reunida familia Telerin por alla en Teotihuacan haya sacado su telescopio Mi Alegria y observado la magnificencia con unas buenas chelas en la mano. Que no? Se les extraña Mexico. Segun lo que leia, el proximo eclipse sucedera en el 2010. Solo me pregunto de que lado del atlantico. Ya me tocara irme con los nipones a echarme unos cuantos sakes.

W E L C O M E LUNAR YEAR 2008

La increible y triste historia de una botella verde y su equivocado redentor

2008-01-11T16:24:00.000-08:00

Una botella, brillante en su verdor, se bamboleaba al son calido de las olas. Dia y noche rogaba a las nubes contener su llanto y le rogaba a la luna guiar su destino. Tambien pedia a la espuma no humedecer su vientre, pues calidamente dormia un mensaje. Por las noches ella dormia con el susurro de las olas y despertaba al grito de algun osado marinero; y mientras impetuosos animos aguardaban, la luna sabia esperaba la inevitable tragedia por no haber rogado al sol desviar su mirada.

Y ahora, al puntear el alba, rayos crueles la vistieron de oro; y un traidor destello atrajo ojos marineros, que ingratos desdeñaron vientre por verdor. El sol tapaba su hereje faz y el oceano iracundo, con infames olas, cubrir intentaba la terrible belleza; cual si fueran mantos de seda que limpiaran las lagrimas de un durmiente ahogado.